Meh. Monday.
2002-01-22 - 12:02 p.m.
Hmm. I think I'll hit 10,000 visitors sometime today or tomorrow.
That'd be much more impressive if like 1,000 of those weren't me, obsessively reading old entries or trying to fix things when they get fucked up. Or, if I hadn't forgotten the sitemeter code on the page for two weeks after a redesign. Or for two days after another redesign. Okay, so this has no point at all. I'm quitting that.
I could not get rid of my horrific, hellish, headache from Hades (ooh me, with the alliteration) yesterday. I thought it was from the glare while I was driving home yesterday, but a two-hour nap didn't alleviate it at all. In fact, I think it was worse when I got up. Owie. I took some Aleve and decided I needed to eat something at about 8:00 last night. I was trying to think what would cause a headache this bad that wouldn't respond to sleep. And just why was I so fucking sleepy at 8:00 after sleeping 8 hours the night before and taking a two hour nap? The mysteries of my biorhythms or something.
And then I realized why I was hurting so bad: I hadn't had caffeine in any form since Saturday morning. Yes, just over two days without caffeine and I was a zombie with a readt-to-explode noggin. Not a pretty sight, no sir. I've learned my lesson though. I MUST have caffeine at least once a day. Weaning myself off the evil stuff would not be pretty, I don't think.
I have also decided that I've scheduled too much time with each student I have to enroll in the next two weeks. I could be finished by next Tuesday instead of next Friday, or I could have had time for a lunch break each day. Now, I meet with the student, enter his or her schedule request, and then sit around on my ass for 15 minutes until the next student arrives. So fun. In a really boring sort of way.
I'm just sort of feeling blah today. (Not enough caffeine, I suppose.) I'm tired and I'd really rather be at home, but my place is such a freaking wreck, I can't be comfortable there. I feel a great urge to just go through each shelf, closet, drawer, and flat surface in the house and throw stuff away. De-cluttering and de-junking. What I really need to do is move, so I'm forced to throw stuff away or be faced with packing and unpacking it. Ooh! I could move! New house, new interest rate, new colors and stuff!
Dammit. No. NO. NO. Must finish grad school, first. Me and my stupid wanderlust + need for instant gratification. Good lord. I should just repaint a wall or something. Hell, if I actually cleaned the place, it'd be like a whole new house. Oh, if only I weren't so lazy. It's wrong to pray for your house to catch fire so you can just start over again, isn't it? Yeah, I thought so.
I really don't want to go to class tonight. I also really don't want to do the work associated with this class. It's not busy work, but it's just very intensive, time-consuming, and requires me to do more than just pull something out of my ass at the last minute. I'm not good at school if I can't pull things from my ass. This disturbs me greatly.
Meh. I'm just in a completely MEH mood today. Nothing will make me happy, I suspect. Oh well, it just combats all the sunshiney-cheeriness around here lately. I haven't had the opportunity to chew anyone's head off or belittle anyone or make anyone cry. Damn. How am I supposed to break out of this funk if I can't make others suffer? Jesus. You'd think people would think a little more about my needs.
The thing is, I should be really happy now. My parents know about my not-so-hypothetical relationship anymore and are genuinely happy for me. My mom didn't pry and wasn't pushy at all when I told her, either. I asked her if she had any reservations about this or him. She just hugged me tightly and told me that she trusts me and my judgement. She said that if I love this boy enough to travel and to think about a future with him, then they would love him too. Drug convictions notwithstanding. Heh.
So, why am I not happy? I am, I guess. I'm just impatient. I don't like waiting. I don't like not knowing how things turn out. I just want to get to the part where everything turns out for the best and we all live happily ever after. Is that too much to ask?
Yeah, I know it is. So I'll keep living in my same messy little house, trudging through the same crap at work, and just deal with it.
And be happy. For real.
